back pew prayers…

Little Scotty Matheson sat in the back pew with his paternal grandmother, Edna, during Sunday worship services at Oak Shade Baptist Church in Middleton, Nebraska.  Scotty was 5. Edna was 68.  Scotty tried to be good, obey his parents and that sort of thing so that he wouldn’t make the Lord mad at him.  Edna had been speaking with the Almighty for decades now.  From her standpoint, He knew her flaws, and she knew His.  His flaw being that He didn’t care for gossiping during the sermon.

Edna never cared for this aspect of the Alpha and Omega.

So while Scotty tried to sing along with the choir that his mother sang in, Edna whispered and slipped the occassional note to her Bridge club friends Kathy Stewart, Marie Blackburn and Dorothy Shoemaker.  At the end of the sermon, Pastor Charles prayed over the congregation, then devoted a special time for “all of God’s sheep seated here today” to have their own personal prayers said aloud at the same time.  The sound that erupted was both confusing and holy.

Edna prayed for her family, that lunch would turn out well or that “the store would flourish.” The “store” was a package store in walking distance of her home, and “flourishing” meant that she hoped they didn’t run out of her Jameson’s when she needed it.  She usually needed it around 7am and 7pm everyday.

Scotty, on the other hand, didn’t know what to pray for.  He, of course, prayed for his mother and for his school grades.  But Scotty felt cheated.  He didn’t want to keep praying for the same thing over and over again.  So, he began to pray for all of the people that Edna and the Bridge ladies would talk about it.

Sunday June 7, 2009: Sermon Topic – “The Illusion of Control”

“Dear God,

Thank you for today and everything that you have given us.  Please be with momma tomorrow when she drives to work, and please let me finish my coloring book tomorrow during class.  With no gray crayon, the elephant on page 13 is giving me some trouble.  But that was a good frog and lily pad, right?  Also, please be with o ur neighbor Mr. Raskins.  Mamaw says he can’t get it up.  I’m guessing she means his prayers aren’t being answered, so please give him patience.  Help Ms. Nancy Holmes find a new favorite color too.  Mamaw says she wants to wear white at her wedding coming up, but if she does then everyone will make fun of her because everyone at church knows she couldn’t carry off white since she was 15.  I like blue.  Help Nancy like blue too.  And please be with Deacon Jacobs.  Mamaw’s friends seem to think he can’t stay on the wagon.  Let Deacon Jacobs know that I can ride my wagon real good, and I can help stay on longer if he wants the help.  Thank you for sending us Jesus and always loving me. Amen.”

ain’t nobody readin’ this shit…

oh well.

I knew when I started this, it wasn’t going to go far.  but i’m back again. so here we go.

Top 10 things on my mind today.  Care if I share?  I didn’t think so.

- The show I’m in, “The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)” is fantastic.  Not just because I’m in it, mind you.  The two other guys I work with are nothing short of brilliant and amazing and cease to amaze me/make me laugh at jokes I’ve heard for the past month.  And our crew/directors are top notch.  I have so enjoyed this experience, I can’t begin to tell you.

- If tonight is any indication, I have some of the best friends in the world.  Crazy? Yes. Loving? Double yes. I couldn’t ask for better.

- I like having someone to say goodnight to.

- I miss my theatre freshman (now sophomores).  Apparently I’ve joined the ranks of the “old ones” in the department now.  Joe, Hannah, Robbie, Rachel, Heather, Kelsey, Charlie… come back to me.

- I still miss New York.

- Brother came to see my show tonight.  When I saw his shaved head in the audience before going on, I didn’t think I could stop from smiling.  He’s sort of my favorite person. Ever.

- I still can’t get over that my grandmother went skydiving before I did.

- The Pony in West Point is fun.  So I’ve read.

- As August approaches, I hate the Iraq War more every day.  Brother, don’t make me come over there and get you, ’cause you know I will.

- Everyone is so worried whether or not Adam Lambert will come out of the closet.  One: who cares.  Two: I wonder if this will be as big a shock as when Aiken came out.

Come back another night, and we’ll discuss more.  And, not to start anything, but if you go to the thecleverkris.com, you can find a link to his blog.  For the most part, it’s fantastic, except for a particular post where he dismisses the validity of the flip-flop.  Don’t buy into this propaganda.  Flip-flops are the best thing to ever happen to the human foot.

Done.

the nervous breakdown of a morning announcer…

Gooood morning East Middleton Junior High!

As always, this is your resident counselor Marty Schaefer with your morning announcements.

Today is Thursday, May 14 of 2-double 0-9 and before we get down to business, I think we have some birthdays to celebrate.  Let’s give a big Dolphins birthday squeal(!) for Marissa Hardy, Teeshawn Carter, Derrick Maynard, Cynthia Black and our very own Einstein in the 8th grade science department, Mr. Walker in room 106.  If real drinking glasses were permitted for student use on campus, we would all raise one to you!

Final exams are just around the corner, so….BOO! don’t let them scare you, like I just did.  Start preparing now by eating right, getting good rest and seeing what mother might have in the “special” cabinet to keep you alert for studying.  I know you couldn’t see it, but I winked when I said “special.”

Here’s a few housekeeping notes to keep in mind.

1. The biology lab should not be used for the creation of personal concoctions, and no, I did not just say a dirty word.  As my father used to tell me, “Son, you want to mix up that smack, fine, but do it on your own dime.”  So please, let’s follow ol’ Schaefer Senior’s advice, because the dime your spending now is the dime of a tax payer who doesn’t deserve to have their hard earned money wasted on the reason after-school specials are made.

2. This one’s for the girl’s, right Martina? That was a reference to country singing sensation, mother and God-fearing patriot Martina McBride. But seriously ladies, Coach Stephens has been reporting that some of you are not flushing the toilets in the bathrooms.  What do the choices you’re gonna make in the future if you continue this pattern of behavior and your urine have in common?  They settle.  Never settle, ladies. Flush.

3. The faculty is sickened by the gross lack of respect some of you have been showing towards our janitorial staff.  Our Facilities Manager, the “Head Broom In Charge” if you will, Mr. Clarkson has reported several instances of taunting towards our janitors.  You should all be very thankful for the people who do this work.  Take Mr. Dylan Kays, for instance.  Mr. Kays is a hard-working man who didn’t think his life would end up like it has.  Dylan had everything.  But a recession is not a recession without some layoffs, right?  So, Dylan did what he needed to.  He came to work here about three months ago, and since then it’s been an amazing three months. If you got to know Dylan you’d realize that he’s not what his rugged exterior makes him out to be.  He’s quite cultured and loves to talk about classic movies, good wines and all of his past business trips to Europe where he wants to go when we can save up the money, but I keep telling him that with a couple of candles, a nice dinner and Amelie playing in the background, Middleton, Nebraska can become Paris any night……………….so stop teasing the cleaning staff.

Um, what else do I have for you today.  Ah.  Teachers, Mrs. Jansky’s retirement luncheon is today at 4 pm.  Melinda has requested a theme for her retirement, so we’re having a barnyard theme so we can, and I quote, “send this good-looking cow out to pasture with state benefits.”

Well, I do have some more things to go over with you all, but thinking about having to attend Jansky’s retirement thing has sort of made me feel like the walls of this very tiny room in the office where these announcements are made are closing in on me.  So, I’m just going to step outside for a minute and join the cafeteria ladies for their morning smoke break.

Oh.  To take us out, here’s Janetta Carter with the Pledge of Allegiance.

i like to use ellipses…

By damn, I have a blog.  Everyone in the world has a blog now, so I figured I’d join in and get one too.  This line of thinking probably isn’t too healthy considering that because “everyone else has one,” I now have an iphone, bluetooth hands-free device and a drinking problem.  The iphone and bluetooth hands-free device were just jokes.

Now, what can you expect from a blog like this?  Not much.

Basically, this blog will be just like me in real life, but written for the interwebs: rambling, bitching, occasionally humorous and only needed in small doses.

Hopefully I will update this frequently, but let’s face it…

I told you I like ellipses.